Ask LuKeisha Question: How Do I Increase My Self-Worth Without Putting It In What I do?

Categories: Ask LuKeisha,Depression and Anger,Fear and Doubt,Love,Peace of Mind,Personal Empowerment Coaching,Relationship Enhancement Coaching,Sadness and Grief

Some time ago, someone once asked an “Ask LuKeisha Question: How Can I Be Confident When People Think I’m Inferior to Them?”, which is a good place to start, if in your situation, you feel what others wrongly say or do tend to make you feel bad about yourself. But, right here and now, to answer your brave question, what “You” think about “You” when no one else is around is what’s being addressed, because even in the case where others are involved, what you think about you is a foundational layer for strength of your confidence. Thus, if that layer isn’t solid, your confidence could crack.

Truth is, your confidence is built upon elements that, in one or more ways, you’ve deemed as important. In your eyes, you see them as paramount to have or not have these traits abilities or tendencies, based on what you were taught throughout your life, via personal and/or personal experiences, as most important. You’ve made those things your lifelines. You’ve made those things the definition of who you think you should be. And, depending on what they are, it’s by those you measure yourself. These elements could be what the world, as in the pictures in magazines, characters of tv/cable series, opinionated rules that say by a certain age you should be earning above a certain amount or married by then, creating certain prejudices, set as the cultural and societal norms. Often they tell you, though perhaps ever so subliminally, if you don’t meet these measurements, you don’t make it! And, it’s in not fitting in, not getting in, not making the “initiation” requirement, that low self-esteem often takes place.

So, my question to you, Beloved, is: What are you measuring yourself by?

It can be difficult to even know where to get the most appropriate measuring tools to set our self-worth by. Thus, I won’t get into the details here as to where to get them, but the next few points can help you to know what to look for, and recognize when you find them. And, once you find them and begin to put them to practice, on a regular basis, your self-esteem’s set to soar to healthy levels! Starting with the first…

Solid Self-Worth requires a Solid Step

Imagine stepping on the first rung of a ladder, and it not being solid enough to hold you as you move upward. You won’t get very far. When you’re taking that step, what you’re basing the success of that step on is that the rung will be there when you take that step. Fact is, that rung could go away, therefore, it’s not worth basing your value in, or defining yourself by, it. Because when it’s not there, when you expect it to be, or depend on it never being taken away yet does end, as all things do at some point, often confidence can go with it, if you based it on that trait element or factor. Truth is, Self-Worth is Solid when not measured by shifting things, or when not rooted in sand so to speak. When it’s rooted in good ground or solid rock, no matter what comes its way, it’ll survive, and often thrive. And, frequently, what’s…

Sure Measurements Are Not Always Tangible

Now, after my mentioning true confidence being difficult to come by when measured by factors that can disappear, I want to say it doesn’t mean it comes strong by what you can see. In my quest to study why people do what they do, I’ve encountered so many incredibly beautiful looking people, who have lucrative careers, coveted educational backgrounds, amongst other achievements, yet still within them there were major insecurities that overflowed outwardly onto others around them. Most often, what you think about you can be grown in what exists but cannot be touched or physically seen. And, unfortunately, that goes both ways regarding you feeling good or down about yourself. Another factor to consider when basing your value in something, and I hope you won’t need to go through such experiences, but: how will you feel about you if you lost any of those external tangible things? The good about measuring yourself by what’s intangible is that, when they are the right elements, they cannot be removed from you. They’re engrained in the essence of who you are or become. They’re untouchable by external happenstances.

To illustrate my point, let’s say you’re somewhat like me, a so-so cook. I can throw a little something together, but truly I tell you, I wasn’t gifted and called to “put my foot”, a colloquialism that means excellence, in my meals. When I do cook for others, however, I do so with genuine intentions to serve what I cook ladened with love joy and desire to sufficiently and healthfully nourish those I feed. It’s not in my cooking skills, the tangible parts, that I put my self-worth, but in the thoughtfulness and desire to be a vessel to fill them with what’s healthy and brings comfort to those I care for. There may be times I can’t cook, or would prefer to go out to eat. And, here’s where what’s not tangible comes into play. Whether you, Beloved, do the cooking or not, your genuine consideration for others’ wellbeing is what’s most important. Or, if like once happened to me, where I mistakenly put too much garlic in a meal, and received a harsh and ungrateful comment because of it, you can be Confident that your heart was in the right place for the right reasons, and just let the hurtful comments go. There’s no need to take chastisement upon yourself, beating yourself up for mistakes, when you know what was most important was the right thing to do.

Another take on this point is, it’s much too easy to place your self-confidence in what you do. But, you can reign that tendency in by what matters most, and can feed or starve your progress and happiness, which is “how” you do what you do to obtain and maintain what you’ve got. There’s nothing like loving what you do but hating yourself because of “how” you choose to get it. For instance, it’s actually easier to struggle financially while at the same time being strong morally, than in reverse, creating a solid foundation for self-confidence that remains when you don’t measure yourself by what you have or what you do. In other words, to use an example I eluded to in the article I mentioned above, the $300.00 Tommy Hilfiger sweater will rest on a solid confidence when you worked hard, with integrity, at saving the money to buy it, than it would if you bullied the milk money out of classmates on the playground. And, in choosing to do things in honorable ways, when you do become strong financially or reputationally, or whatever you’re pursuing, you have the character to keep you there, respectfully! Next, a trustworthy fertilizer to cultivating strong self-worth is…

Gratefulness Grounds Confidence So it Grows

A dependable ingredient to a solid self-esteem is planting seeds of gratefulness for what you do have, while not begrudging what you don’t have. Beloved, what you’ve got wasn’t easy to get. And, I’m referring to both what’s valuable about you that’s not tangible, and the items that are. When you over focus on tangible things you don’t have, you’re often putting yourself in a position to be measured by what’s superficial. Additionally, regarding unseen qualities that you rightly desire to acquire, know they aren’t out of reach and can be achieved with proper efforts, often which costs NO money, because the best things in life are FREE! All the while, being thankful for each step you’ve already taken to go to higher levels in the beautiful hearted and great person you are!

Planting seeds of gratefulness keeps you grounded, not in ways that holds you back, but in ways that keep you steady as you grow stronger on one level, getting ready for the next level. As a matter of fact, focusing on what you don’t have, causes you to be distracted from, and not mindful of, what you do have, preventing you from using those useful valuable gifts and strengths that are needed to keep you moving forward. This can be seen in some who are disappointed and down on themselves because they haven’t found “The One” yet, but they are connected to a few right people for them. People who want them to win; people who so genuinely and kindly return warmth and comfort to them when they need it. People who are trustworthy, and a true blessing to have because there’s so much more to life than just one aspect that may not be where you want it to be. Being grateful for what you have now, enables and empowers you to use what you’ve got, until you get other things you want. It doesn’t mean you settle where you are, but helps you to be content in all circumstances, while you work on growing forward. In doing this, before you know it, you’ll no longer be where you didn’t want to be, but growing taller towards where you aspire to be, and all the while, Confidently!

So, this is a start, Beloved! Measure yourself, not by shifty things, but  stable things. Things that don’t change like shifting winds, such as other people’s opinions, and social norms like; “you shouldn’t wear White after Labor Day”! Looking within yourself, seeing and anchoring yourself in your most valuable intangible qualities, and being grateful for what you do have, can make way for a pretty solid slab for unbreakable confidence! For, when your confidence grows in good ground, when storms come by way of what others do or say, or by uncontrollable circumstances, you won’t be easily broken! You’ll grow and stand tall like a strong tree of oak!

Jumpstart Your Confidence Putting It in Action

Lukeisha H. Carr

Love You to Life!

Lukeisha Carr

Coaching to Cultivate the Abundant Life on an Unshakable Foundation!

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